Posted by: theboyfromsmallville | August 15, 2006

Give me a hand

Thanks to a blog of a high school friend, my attention was drawn to an article based on an international sex survey conducted by a men’s magazine.

The survey, to nut-shell it, said that:
a. South Korean men have sex more with their wives than any other nationality
b. British men spend less time with foreplay
c. Brazilians have sex with a lot of different partners and
d. Filipino men love the art of self-stimulation

Six times a week. That’s the average number of times a Filipino hand-jobs himself for sexual release. Six times a week. I refused to believe it until I conducted a study of my own.

As it turns out, there is truth in it. But before you Filipino girls (or girls of any other race for that matter) think that it’s a pathetic statistic, read the reasons why Filipino men engage in self sex a lot. Maybe you’d realize it’s not really their fault.

10 reasons why Pinoys prefer the hand

10. The hand can be who you want it to be.
Try asking a real live partner to engage in a little playacting to spice up your sex life. You’ll probably get as far as a generic, fictional character commonly found in porn mags. Lolita, the lusty student with failing grades. Annamarie, the stiff bank teller by day and wild hot thing by night. Ditas, the duster-wearing, sweat-soaked househelp. Try to be specific and ask her to be, say, Nicole, the 16-year-old classmate/crush I had in high school who loved to wear knitted green sweaters and carried three pens in her pocket every day and you’re going to end up getting slapped. And painfully deprived.
Now, the hand. The hand can be Nicole. Won’t complain about being Nicole. Or some sexy young thing on the boob tube. Or the officemate you’ve always had the hots for.

9. The hand does what you want it to do.
Unless you’ve been sexual partners for at least three months, telling her to “go down on me, honey” doesn’t quite cut it. Or, if you’ve been lovers for a year and have hit the sack twice only during that stretch, you’re bound to get nothing more than the traditional missionary position.
The hand? Close your eyes and anything goes. You can be with, well, Nicole, in a forest setting. Underneath cascading waterfalls. And she’ll be down on you in a second and stay there for more than an hour if you want her to.

8. You don’t need to stimulate the hand.
No need for backrubs. No need for lingering kisses on the neck. When you’re doing it with a partner, foreplay is like a root canal. It’s a necessary evil.
With the hand, though, there’s no need for all that crap. Like Apple computers, the hand is user-friendly. Just plug and play.

7. The hand won’t cry harassment.
Or worse, rape.
You’re always safe from any form of legal action. Hence, blackmail will never come into play. Seven days a week, twice on Sundays and holidays. The hand won’t raise a howl.

6. The hand won’t get pregnant.
With a real sexual partner, there’s always that half-moment of hesitation just before release. I mean, what’s so primal about “Oh god here I come… Oh. Wait, I’m pulling out, Ahhh!”? The rubber doesn’t give you that natural feeling and any other form of contraceptive still leaves you with lingering doubts in your mind. Doubts that don’t leave you for as long as a month.
The hand is worry-free. Come as you are. Come when you want. It ain’t going to be running to you with a tear-stained face saying “I’m pregnant” one of these days. Better yet…

5. The hand won’t give you disease.
It asks you to do just one thing: Wash before you engage it. That done, the only thing you have to worry about is pneumonia. And if you make sure you don’t do that thing you do while leaning on the cold tiles of the bathroom, you’re pretty much safe even from that.

4. You don’t have to have a relationship with your hand.
Ladies, it’s just sex. Now, if Pinoys prefer to whack themselves over trying to figure out what series of sweet actions can get him into the sack with you, there’s your answer.
The hand doesn’t attach any emotional requirement to sex. It’s liberated. It’s, well, everything Nicole wasn’t. Guys can go out with any girl they like to without having to worry about the hand getting jealous.

3. The hand is low-maintenance.
No need to take it to the movies twice a week. No need to take it out to dinner. No need to mark important dates. No need to try and keep an appointment you’ll always be late for.

2. You don’t need to marry the hand.
And as such, there’s no need to worry about someone ruining your Sunday = Sports time by telling you to tale out the garbage or fix the toilet plumbing.
Better yet, the hand doesn’t nag. It doesn’t wear mudpack on its face every night.

1. The hand doesn’t go shopping.
Believe me ladies, the one thing Pinoy men hate more than their mother-in-law is having to tag along with you for hours while you try to find the right clothes and then complaining once you get home that you don’t look good in it.

Of course, I know all these because of studies I made. Quite honestly, I really cannot relate to the sexual practices of Filipino men.

I am, after all, Brazilian-Kryptonian.

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