Posted by: theboyfromsmallville | October 22, 2006

Guy walks into a bar… Part 3

I finally got around to listening to the Apo Hiking Society anthology.
Drip (Kabilugan ng Buwan) caught my attention.
The rest did fine. I think the term is “they acquitted themselves well.”
Then I came to Orange and Lemons (Yakap sa Dilim) and I figured—there’s a common denominator among ONL’s biggest hits:
Yakap sa Dilim.
Blue Moon.
Huwag Kang Matakot.
Pinoy Big Brother Theme.
None of them are original.

* * *

It’s either they copy the melody of one song (PBB theme) or they include the lyrics, too.
Last I heard, ONL is trying out a new experiment.
They’re going to revive the lyrics of one song and the melody of another into a single piece.
Maging Sino Ka Man meets Ice Ice Baby.
Please, don’t try to sing it.
It doesn’t work. I know. I tried.

* * *

I’ve got nothing against revivals and remakes really.
I just don’t get why it has to be a fad. And why a band seems to be making a living out of it.
I mean, if you really wanted to make a living out of beautifying something way past its expiry date, you shouldn’t be in a band.
You should work for a funeral parlor.

* * *

Don’t you just love it when television reporters don’t realize that they’re on live already?
I was watching a PBA game last night and they ran a feature on a popular player during halftime.
The feature ran for about a minute or so and when it was over, the screen cut to a shot of the courtside reporter who introduced the segment.
Unfortunately, neither the camera man nor the PA cued her that she was already on live.
So there she was, still wearing yesterday’s smile on her face, waiting for her cue.
Yes?
Hello?
You wanna say something?
Is your foot hurting?
Why is your smile forced?
Is someone holding a gun to your back?
Anytime now? Like this year?
Too bad somebody had the presence of mind to signal her that she was on.
I had a lot more questions in mind that I would have loved to ask.

* * *

Okay, so I do have something against television reporters.
A lot of them do nothing but read stuff other people write for them.
And when the script calls for them to improvise, they fumble.
I remember doing a script for a television reporter once.
He was supposed to ask a sports personality what he does when he’s not playing or practicing.
In red ink, I scribbled this note: If answer is interesting, add follow-up questions.
His interview went like this:
Him: So, what do you do on your days off?
Player: I grow miniature plants. I have a greenhouse full of them.
Him: Oh. That’s nice. Thank you for your time.
I’m like, what the hell?
I calmed myself down. Told myself it was my fault.
He must have thought that there’s nothing interesting about a sports jock who earns a living banging bodies with guys twice his size growing delicate miniature plants on the side.
I should have defined “interesting.”
Interesting for him must be “I feed my fingers to my pet shark and watch my hand grow a new set overnight” or “I spend time trying to find practical applications of the exact value of pi” or “I fly a space shuttle, set it to auto pilot just before it hits the final layer of our atmosphere then jump off to sky dive.”
Either that, or this thing I have against television reporters is justified.

* * *

Taxi drivers are my kind of guys.
They’re so predictable.
When rush hour comes, count on them to be scarce.
When they do show up, they’re there to ask you all sort of questions you begin to feel that you’re facing an immigration officer.
Watch the last screening at Greenbelt 3 and when you leave the mall, there’ll be hundreds of them lined up, practically begging for you to ride with them.
It never fails. Always the same system.
If women were as predictable as they were, men would never have to struggle making sense out of relationships.
Peace, ladies.

* * *

On the other hand, there’s nothing better than using a taxi driver as your source of political gossip.
Because of the several times I’ve had to ride a cab in my line of work, I have learned the following:
1. FVR was once caught by an aide wearing skimpy pajamas within the Malacañang premises—during Cory Aquino’s term
2. Kris Aquino is the late Cardinal Sin’s daughter
3. GMA is an American citizen
4. FPJ is still alive and is living in Mindanao
5. I look like Jinggoy Estrada.
Of course, you can’t take all of what they say as gospel truth.
I so do not look like Jinggoy.

* * *

Which reminds me, why are we so fond of looking out for look-alikes?
I mean, who cares if somebody ordinary looks like somebody famous?
Is that the only thing one can be proud of in a lifetime? That he looks like this and that?
I mean, if a friend came up to you and said, y’know, you really look like Brad Pitt, it’s most likely that he has little else to say about you other than you resemble someone who can’t play dead even if you drained all the blood out of him.
Besides, it says something about your pal’s creativity, sense of imagination and his take on your friendship when he can’t say anything else about you.
“We’ve been friends since college and all you can say is I look like Colin Farrell?”
You know what would be better instead? More imaginative?
To actually think of someone your friends do not look like.
That takes more mental work. At least, you can count on the fact that he put in a little effort to come up with the non-comparison.
I absolutely do not look like George Clooney.
My sister doesn’t look like Queen Latifah.
My mother has no resemblance whatsoever to George W. Bush.
Lourd De Veyra doesn’t look like Vic Sotto.
C’mon join me here. It’s fun, really.
Who do you not look like?

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Responses

  1. ditto on ONL, taxi drivers, TV reporters and friends saying na kamukha mo si ganito or si ganyan, standard greeting din ang “uy tumaba/pumayat ka!” anubayun?

    tawa ako ng tawa sa lahat ng nakasulat dito. favorite ko yung political gossip. lalo na yung jinggoy part hehehe.

  2. Wahahahaha.
    As in, inayos niya pa upuan at yung aircon at tinanong niya pa ako kung ano gusto kong music pakinggan.
    Ang ending, nung dumaan kami sa medyo mailaw na intersection, tumingin siya sa akin, pinalo ang noo, sabay sabi:
    Ay sus! Akala ko si Jinggoy.
    :-)

  3. hahahahahaha!!!!! at bakit naman sasakay sa taxi si jinggoy diba? hahahahaha

    on ONL: Onganoh! hay nako, eh sa cover songs lang naman nila sila sumikat e. pffft.

    on TV reporters: Buti nalang pala at di ako naging TV reporter. hahaha.

    on political gossip: Alam mo bang niligawan ni ninoy si imelda? hahahahaha (galing kay imelda yan sa documentary na Imelda)

    on look-alikes: You so DO NOT look like colin farrell.

    =p

  4. Honga! At sa madilim pa na iskinita sumakay!!!
    On Colin: Hahahahahahahaha. I so know.


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