Posted by: theboyfromsmallville | February 3, 2007

Guy walks into a bar… Part 4

I WAS riding in a cab that got stuck in traffic one afternoon and was listening to the AM radio program that the cab driver was tuned in to.
 The program featured a red-hot-under-the-collar radio personality interviewing a woman whose husband was picked up by five cops, beaten up, charged with imaginary crimes and locked up in jail.
 The cop in question then threatened the poor chap that he’d throw away the key forever if he and his wife don’t come out with bail money.
 The program’s host, in between rattling off every known cussword in at least four languages and three dialects, told the woman to go to this station and talk to this police chief to have this straightened out.
 The woman refused.
 Her reason? She was too scared to report the incident to the cops.

* * *

THIS would not have been funny except that the program host decided to interrupt this program for a while to bring you this latest newsbreak.
 After which, an overeager field reporter broke the news that two men riding a motorcycle held up two employees of a certain company who had just withdrawn P1-M in paycheck money in broad daylight.
 At 2:15 p.m. in the afternoon. In the middle of a busy intersection.
 So this is what it all boils down to.
 Innocent people who are scared of cops and criminals who aren’t.
 And you wonder if justice ever has hope in this country?

* * *

JUST when you thought things couldn’t go worse, the program host reminded listeners that the May elections are coming up.
* * *

WHY couldn’t we live in a society as peaceful as, say, Pella, Iowa? Pella, Iowa is a small town inhabited by a lot of Dutch people. It is where my brother used to live. But my brother is not Dutch.
 It is so peaceful there that one day,two friends were walking in the sidewalk and had this conversation:
 Dutch boy 1: Where do you want to hang out today?
 Dutch boy 2: The mall.
 Dutch boy 1: Why not the bar?
 Dutch boy 2: Let’s just go to the mall.
 Dutch boy 1: I think the bar’s better.
 Dutch boy 2: The mall.
 Dutch boy 1: The bar.
 They were later arrested for disturbing the peace.

* * *

IT is so peaceful that when a patrol car chanced upon a group of three friends laughing, he radioed dispatch and requested for back-up because he wanted to break up a mob.

* * *

OF course, Pella has its built-in advantages. It is underpopulated. There are so few people in Pella that an aunt of mine once swore she counted more pigs than humans when she visited my brother.
 You know how they call another house through the telephone in Pella? They dial 9 and the two-digit house number.

* * *

IT is so underpopulated in Pella that there’s practically one cop for every five people in that town.
 That’s why when someone reports a rooster stolen, the police chief rounds up his eight men and asks them where the five people they were assigned to were at 8:45 p.m. last night?
 The ones who cannot be accounted for are then labeled suspects.
 You know what they do for elections? They round up the population into the front yard of somebody’s home and vote by a show of hands.

* * *

THAT’S why being a cop in Pella is not a career. It is a calling.

* * *

SPEAKING of callings, I truly believe another job that is more a calling than a career is that of a journalist.
 I swear. No biases.
 I mean journalists are practically like priests in that they go around spreading the gospel of truth.
 The only difference is that priests earn more money.
 And journalists tell less lies.

* * *
I FLEW home for the holidays and attended New Year’s mass at the old church I used to go to when I was a kid.
 For his sermon, the priest narrated the names of lawmakers and the bills they filed that the church found to be against its teachings.
 The priest reminded churchgoers that these are politicians being used by the devil for his work and that the POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS THEM! (Insert fire and brimstone effects here)
 He reminded churchgoers not to vote for these lawmakers because they are the devil’s servants.
 Great. If we are not allowed to vote for the devil’s servants, who does that leave us with this May?

* * *

AND THEN hey wait a minute!
 Isn’t there supposed to be a separation of church and state thingy in our much abused constitution?
 So why am I suddenly sitting through a mass listening to a sermon about who to vote and not vote?
 I mean when Pope John Paul II died, did the world leaders congregate and sermon the cardinals on how to choose the next Pontiff?
 For once, I’d like to see that happen and shush the first priest who speaks out to invoke the separation of church and state.

* * *

OF COURSE, If I do shush a priest, that priest might call the cops.
 And nine out of ten are the odds that I’d get picked up by a rotten cop who’ll beat me up for no reason, lock me in a urine-perfumed cell and throw away the key forever.

* * *

THEN I’ll spend the rest of my life as some jailbird’s bitch. And wishing I lived with the Dutch in Pella, Iowa.
 Without the Dutch hairdo.



  1. “You’re from Cebu?
    Pwede po pa-link?

    sure2x cois:)

  2. “SPEAKING of callings, I truly believe another job that is more a calling than a career is that of a journalist.
    I swear. No biases.
    I mean journalists are practically like priests in that they go around spreading the gospel of truth.
    The only difference is that priests earn more money.
    And journalists tell less lies.”

    WINNER ito. I LOVE. (-:

    Hey Kiko, when are you going to visit me?!

  3. “Hey Kiko, when are you going to visit me?!”

    When your schedule no longer fluctuates… Hehehehe
    May definite ka bang Friday/Saturday?
    Yung tipong late na so I can drop by after work.

  4. Kiko this Fri and Sat 3pm-1am ang sked ko. (-:

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