Posted by: theboyfromsmallville | March 16, 2007

The Ultimate Hitch-free Dating Guide

Basic Principles : No woman wakes up saying “God, I hope I don’t get swept off my feet today!” Now, she might say “This is a really bad time for me,” or something like “I just need some space,” or my personal favorite “I’m really into my career right now.” You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? ‘Cause she’s lying to you, that’s why. You understand me? Lying! It’s not a bad time for her. She doesn’t need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she’s really saying is “Uh, get away from me now,” or possibly “Try harder, stupid,” but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you’re saying ain’t coming out of your mouth. Of course she’s going to lie to you! She’s a nice person! She doesn’t want to hurt your feelings! What else she going to say? She doesn’t even know you… yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn’t know what she wants until she sees it, and that’s where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles : No matter what, no matter when, no matter who… any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom. –Alex Hitchens

You believe him?

I thought I did. Until one night in a bar when my friends voted me to approach a table of girls and try coax an invitation from them to join their group.

I strode up to one of the ladies who peeled herself away from the group to hit the wash room, extended an inviting handshake and uttered a line I felt Hitch would have dropped at that particular moment.

“Hi, I’m Francis, I feed sharks for a living,” I told her.

Ten minutes later, we were in another bar, one that wasn’t in the same zip code of the previous bar, which now had under its roof a pack of laughing females.

The movie Hitch teaches guys how to catch a girl’s attention and interest. But I belatedly realized that  the suggestions and situations are too contrived for reality. And besides, they were based on a guy’s study of the behavior of women.

I came up with a better idea. I went straight to the ladies and asked them point blank: What it is they really look for in a guy? What will it take for a guy to sweep them off their feet?

None of them mentioned a broom.

So, why believe me instead of the Will Smith character? Because aside from the survey I made with 45 girls as subjects, I had one thing Hitch didn’t have. The Inquirer research department’s survey queen, the one-liner wonder who crunched through the numbers I gave her and came up with a conclusion that helped me formulate my ultimate dating tips guide.

For those whose brains digest visual information faster than data in the written text, the results can be summarized as follows:

(Thanks to Tere, our clueless model)

For further explanation, here’s what Kate dug up from the numbers. Take note that the subjects were aged 15 to 37. I have this theory that girls aged 14 will go out with anyone who remotely resembles Daniel Radcliffe and those 38 and above will go out with any guy. Period.

 Kate’s finding (KF) No. 1:  While most Filipinos have said that they believe in love’s inherent blindness, looks remain the top factor when women consider men.

More than eight in ten (82.2 percent) of women surveyed said they looked for – well – looks when asked what top three characteristics they sought in men.

Tip: My survey is close to accurate. I think I had an honest sample. I mean, women’s magazines will often tell you that looks do not matter much to a woman. DEAD WRONG. That’s why, if you don’t look good, make an effort to look presentable. If that’s asking you to scale Mt. Everest, then go out in dark places, where the lack of light becomes an ally. Then try to charm the hell out of her quickly before the lights go on and her “hahaha” turns to “Eeeeeek!”

KF No. 2: Six in ten girls look for attitude (62.2 percent) and a sense of humor (60 percent), while nearly half (48.9 percent) seek “personality.” Four in ten (42.2 percent) also said they look for intelligent men.

Tip: Okay, you’ve waxed your hair, trimmed your eyebrows, shaved off other facial hair, had your face scrubbed in some beauty clinic that offers other services that will make this advice post moot, and still, you look like someone lit a firecracker while it was tucked between your lips.

Here’s what you do: When you find someone whose interest you want to draw, approach her and start enumerating the practical applications of the theory of relativity.

Or, make sure you have the right attitude. Of those who listed attitude as a prerequisite, these qualities topped the list:

KF No. 3:  “21.4 percent said they looked for a guy who was either sweet or can be described as a ‘gentleman’. Others said they wanted an honest (14.3 percent), patient (7.1 percent), understanding (7.1 percent), caring (7.1 percent) or humble (7.1 percent) guy.”

Tip: Since 6 of 10 girls look for a guy with a sense of humor, here are a few pick-up lines you might want to practice:

     “Hi, I’m Francis. I know why the chicken crossed the street.”
     “Hi, I’m Francis. Knock-knock.”
     “Hi, I’m Francis. What is it that isn’t important to an airplane but without it an airplane cannot fly?”

If, after, every joke, she doesn’t laugh, tell her you understand that she might just be having a bad day. And then crack another joke. And another. Show her you are patient enough to rummage through your mental shelf for more jokes just to make her laugh. And when you do make her laugh, don’t gloat. Keep your head bowed (the universal symbol of humility). If she keeps on laughing, whip out your handkerchief and dab the sides of her eyes, which might be watery by this time, as if to say, ‘see, I’m a caring person!’

KF No. 4: One in five girls (22.2 percent) also liked goal-oriented men. Girls also liked loyal guys (13.3 percent) who smell nice (13.3 percent).

Tip: You see a girl alone in the bar. You take the stool beside her and mutter to yourself: “Damn, it’s going to take a while before I finish my 300-hectare mansion in Florida.” Which is not a lie outright because ‘take a while’ is relative. She isn’t going to know just yet that you’re still in step one, which is giving birth to the idea of a mansion.

Then hit two birds with one stone by whipping out a bottle of Old Spice and dabbing a small amount on your pulse points. One, because it makes you smell good and, two, because BOY IF YOU’RE STILL USING OLD SPICE BY NOW THEN DAMN YOU ARE LOYAL.

KF No. 5: Despite the recent screening of “300”, in which the proportion of ripped man-flesh to the total screen size never went below 50 percent at any given time, surprisingly, only barely one in ten girls preferred guys with a great body (8.9 percent) – perhaps more than enough good news than the average Joe can usually take.

Curiously, of those who said they looked for built among boys, more girls preferred good shoulders (50 percent) than abs (25 percent).

Tip: You know that fat-thick steak your dietician said was bad for you? Gorge on it. Forget healthy diets. If you’re so pathetic as to try to appeal to 8.9% of the population, then go. You don’t have to be fit to rule her world, apparently. So don’t go vegetarian just yet to try and please a new-age chick. Besides, if being vegetarian keeps you trim and fit, THEN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN HIPPOS TO ME.

So if a curvaceous woman catches your eye and you feel you have no chance because your body looks like it was fashioned out of marshmallows, remember: Round is a figure.

KF No. 6: Other numbers. One in ten girls said they also liked: wealthy guys (8.9 percent), confident guys (8.9 percent), guys with appropriate height (8.9 percent), sexually appealing ones (8.9 percent) and as well as talented guys (8.9 percent).

Few also said they looked for passionate guys (4.4 percent), guys with faith (4.4 percent), and family-oriented ones (4.4 percent).

And 2.2 percent said they also considered age and gender sensitivity.

Tip: When all else fails, load up on credit cards, rent a fancy car, walk in tippy-toed fashion like a professional athlete with your head up high, dance the samba or the lambada and when you approach a girl who you are attracted to, make the sign of the cross.

So there.

Okay, so maybe Hitch was right. Any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom. And good looks. And a sense of humor. And the right attitude.

Sigh.

After going through the survey results, I realized one thing: The world is becoming a lonely place for guys like me.

KF No. 7: Only 2.2 percent said they looked for men with “decent bed skills”.

(A postscript from Kate: The survey was conducted over March 9 to 11, 2007 using interviews with purposefully selected 45 girls aged 15 to 37, amid–and in spite of–headlines concerning the May 2007 elections and the razing of the Commission on Elections building. It had a margin of error of plus-minus 2 percentage points at the 95-percent confidence level.)

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Responses

  1. WHOA!!! Lagot kayo ke Tere!!! Hahahhahaa!!! Sana may larger version ang picture hahahahaa patingin :D

  2. *izded 10 million times*

  3. hahaha!! so this was the result of the survey!

    the old spice comment got me hehe. i once dated a guy who still uses old spice. :)

  4. *revives tere*

    bwahahahah i can’t resist man. just can’t. because you are teh bomb (this time, di si meann hahahahaha)

    cois — *apir*! :) sa susunod na survey!

  5. plus, MAN decent bed skills? so underrated. *g*

  6. tere is teh bomb!

    francis, you and kate should, erm, collaborate more often.

    at sino ba yung kaisa-isang sumagot ng “decent bed skills”? at “gender sensitivity”? hahaha.

    winner!

  7. Rissa: Will email you pic soon!

    Tere: Breathe in, breathe out. Kaya mo yan… :)

    Julie: Sobrang loyal naman nun! hahahahaha…

    Kate: Yup, survey pa! survey pa! Oo nga… sobrang underrated ang decent bed skills eh. hahahaha! Alas, such a lonely world. hehehehe

    Cy: Yaan mo, pag may naisip akong puwede pang pang-‘collaboration’ *clears throat* kate and i will *clears ulet* go at it again. Hehehe… Oo nga.. sino ba yung sumagot ng mga yun? hehehehehe.

  8. “go at it” pala ha. hehehe.

    SUUUURE! bring it OOOOOON.

  9. kayo na lang ang gumawa ng what men want! *tamad*

  10. grabe,

    ito pala ang ginawa niyo. sali ako sa susunod. though i don’t know which of my “skills” will come in handy.

    wehehehe. miss ko na kayong lahat!

  11. Kiko, I..I’m speechless.

    Superb writing brother. Hahaha.

  12. Puwedeng pang-tarp ang infographic!!! Front-page material pa!!! Hahaha!!!

  13. Hehehe… boxed story pa nga lawrence. tapos 5 of 9 ung pic. hehehe
    We labshoo tewe!

  14. hahaha ang galing ng survey!! found this entry through kate’s blog, pwede pa link? :)

    kate, champion ang chart at methodology! grabe.

  15. Hi tin! Go link!
    Leave your site na rin so I can link and drop by. Thanks!

  16. ang galeng. pag sinunod ko ba to magkakagirlfriend ako? :)

  17. fallshort:
    ay… guaranteed, bro.
    money-back pa.
    hehehehehe.

  18. thanks!

  19. Hi Francis!

    I found your blog, hehe… actually I was looking for friends in multiply.com and found you there ;)

    Interesting data, was very curious on whatever happened to your survey. I kinda forgot what my answers were…

    See you soon!

  20. My!
    Beer and crabs! When?
    Dude, we gotta talk. As in…
    Hope to hear from you soon.

  21. um, okay. 2.2 percent for decent bed skills? ack. thats sad!

  22. um, okay. 2.2 percent for decent bed skills? ack. thats sad!

    Like, I know! Where does that leave people like me then? Hehehehehe. Thanks for the visit! Drop by more often, ayt?

  23. galing ng survey. page 1 material talaga. at dapat my comment si guhito!

  24. guyito!

  25. […] breaking them down in terms of statistics — which was what cois did, asking around for three top desirable characteristics (for men) from a group of 45 women of […]

  26. 2.2 lang naghahanap ng excellent bed skills? then i must be a guy.

  27. very laaaate response y’all.

    ANG SAYA-SAYA! \o/

    natawa ako sa Old Spice comment Cois wahahaha

  28. @irene: hahahaha! you must be!
    @eliza: wehehehehe. peborit ni erpats yun eh. na try ko rin. nung high school. hahahahaha!
    @kate: nga pala, whatever happened to do the male version of this survey? =)

  29. Are you interested in dating

  30. Your post is really entertaining. I think since Hitch is a fictional character, you definitely have him beat! I do love that movie and Will Smith’s character though.

    What about loyalty? I always thought that loyalty was one of the top things we women look for in men. Or does that only happen after we turn 38 and have had a bunch of men cheat? Food for thought!

  31. Every part of this made me laugh. It’s pretty accurate I would guess just based on the type of women that are my friends. Hitch was a stupid movie, though. Anyone who would legitimately take dating advice from a Will Smith movie is a lost cause to begin with. Poor sad sacks.


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