Posted by: theboyfromsmallville | November 23, 2007

Hey there (a sort-of mushy one)

(Because I do not know how to write love letters anymore)


Yeah, you.

It is with equal doses of surprise and sadness, irony and impromptu-ness that I find myself wanting, more like needing really, to say a million things to you right this moment, but I cannot find a single word to start myself off.

Words, witticisms. Quotes, clichés, clauses. Phrases, paraphrases. Sentences simmering with sense.

All of them blow past my mind like scenery on a train window. I cannot grab a single thought, hang on to it, and gift-wrap it for you.

Instead, I find myself mumbling.

But even if my senses fail me now, I will try to get my point across, while there is still relevance in getting points across.

And so, let me say this. Thank you.

I  wish I could have posted this at a different time, more specifically, that one date in the month that is of significance to couples. But tragedy makes no appointments. It charges through the door of one’s private world like a wayward truck on a death ride.

Thus, gratitude has to be impromptu too.

The past week, I went through perhaps the darkest chapter of my life. And believe me; I have lived through snatches of blackness before I got to where I am now. This recent darkness, wrought on me by the vilest of motives, even forced me to seriously consider calling it a life.

Sometimes, enough is really enough.

But at that final moment of surrender, you were there to help me fight on. And for that, I thank you.

It is with a huge amount of sorrow that I cannot explain to you, dearest, just what I mean when I say thank you. I am not indebted for the intended acts of love and kindness that you showed when nightmare dragged itself out of the realm of sleep and crept into every waking moment.

It isn’t just about the firm grip of your hand when mine limped under the weight of the world. It isn’t about the smile that tried to put some semblance of normalcy in a world that tumbled into chaos. It isn’t about the late night talks that encouraged a little sense into the confusion.

It is for more than that that I owe you my gratitude.

Thanks. Because in that moment when that very same darkness tried to chase you away, you held your ground. Because when it was your turn to bail out, you stood firm.

And when everything boiled down to a choice between fighting beside me and living a life devoid of complications, you balled your hands into fists and said, “lets go get ‘em.”

You will never know, ever, how the sight of you challenging the world to a fistfight meant to me. You will never know what it did for me.

Too bad, dearest, I have lost my touch for writing letters. Thus, I can never find the right combination of words to say that of all the things you did, it was simply by being there that light slowly crept back into my world. It was your refusal to ever be beyond reach, even for the briefest of moments, that the wheel, which had crushed me under its weight, began to turn.

I would have loved to promise to haul the moon from the sky for you. But I have hauled it down too many times before that it has lost its meaning and it looks to me like nothing more than a glob of mold-infested cheese. I would have wanted to vow to gather the stars and scatter them at your feet. Or yank the sun out of the sky and light your eyes up with it.

But in the darkness, stars are an endangered species better left untouched. And really, the sun? I mean who wants to smell like someone who crossed a wide expanse of a parking lot on high noon and walked into an air-conditioned room?

So all I have is a gratitude whose depths you will never begin to comprehend. All I have is this love that you will never fully know of. You know how sometimes you realize that you finally understand just how deep this love runs? Well, even during those moments you are multiplied-exponentially off-tangent.

Because this is my curse—this inability to tell you or show to you how much you mean to me.

Just maybe, this will capture part of the essence of it: That you will always be my lighthouse, the one that I will continuously sail home to, no matter how far and lost at sea I may be.

I love you.

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Responses

  1. lemme compose my thoughts first while wiping my tears …

  2. uhurm.

    Should we be reading this??? (lol)

  3. Nie… hehehehe. i had the same question in mind. but gratitude knows no limits, thus, yes, you are duty-bound to read this whether you like it or not. :)

  4. you very well know how sheltered i was before you came. because of you, i’m living in a world full of complications and uncertainties now. a world i couldn’t imagine getting involved in.

    but let me assure you one thing, my dearest, i wouldn’t want to go back and live in that sheltered world again if not with you.

    so im telling you now, no matter how dark things may get, i will always, always be beside you. i will always be ready and more than willing to take up the cudgels for you, my dearest.

    because i. really. love. you.

  5. whew!


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