Posted by: theboyfromsmallville | January 19, 2008

The Buzz at Smallville

*Michael Buffer doing voice over*:

Ladiiieees and gentlemen live from the Smallville Studios it’s, the Buuuuzzzzzzzz! And now, for the thousands in attendance and the millions watching all over the world, Llllllllllet’s get rrready to rumbbbblllllllllllleeeee!

Introducing first, your host, Boy Abunnnnnnnnnnnnnndahhhh.

Good evening ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a very special edition of The Buzz. Today, were filming straight out of Smallville because of a phenomenon that doesn’t happen every day in Philippine politics.

A virtual nobody, an outcast in his own town, a guy with little achievements and even lesser IQ has declared his intention to run for Philippine president in 2010, And guess what? There has been an avalanche of support for his candidacy!

Is this a sign that a wave of change is starting to make its presence felt in the Philippines? Is this a sign that Filipinos haven’t given up on hope and that a new dawn is just on the horizon?

More importantly, who is theboyfromsmallville? What is he like? What platform will he run on?

To give you an idea, the writers of our show have decided to invite the guy and the different personalities who have tossed their hat—so to speak—into the presidential race and ask them more or less to nut-shell their plans for the country, especially in key concerns of governance.

Unfortunately, not all of the aspirants could come to the show for several reasons. But, we have with us tonight seven potential presidential candidates.

*canned applause*

So, without further ado, allow me to welcome Vice President Noli de Castro, Senators Mar Roxas, Chiz Escudero and Ping Lacson, ex-Presidents Erap Estrada and Fidel V. Ramos and of course, theboyfromsmallville!

*real, unadulterated applause*

Good evening gentlemen. Here are the rules of tonight’s show. I will mention key areas in Philippine politics and you will give your insights on these issues. You ready? Good.

Okay, first off. The death penalty. For or against?

Shempre, against. Kung for ako, para ko na ring hinukay ang libingan ko. (loosely: Against, because I don’t want to provide for the rope that will hang me).

Until we are a predominantly Catholic country whose population listens to its church even for electoral advice, I will be against it. But for the record, let it be known that I am for death penalty especially if it provides the rope that will hang Erap.

No need. The death penalty only presupposes the existence of a trial. And a trial means that even the guiltiest of the lot can still escape prosecution with a good lawyer. Under my presidency, we won’t even have the need for courts. If you commit a crime, we will kill you even before we can arrest you.

Well, I’d like to think I’m against it. In fact, I’d say I’m against it.

We always say that justice here is only for those who can afford it, for the affluent and well-connected. That justice here has a steep price. We must remember that in other countries, justice is priceless. And until we can achieve that level of respect for, and commitment to, justice, the death penalty will be a punishment reserved for the poor. I am, therefore, against it.

Eh sabi ni GMA, i-abolish. Eh di i-abolish. (Loosely: The nut in Malacañang had it abolished, why should I, her puppet, do otherwise?)

Against it, but will vouch for its implementation in exemption cases such as: Drivers with no sense whatsoever of road courtesy, Taxi cab drivers who refuse to give you a ride you will pay for anyway during the Christmas season, producers of the next Orange and Lemons album and for when Kris Aquino turns another sordid love affair into another television special.

Ohhhhhkay. Although I’ll take that last exemption against you, theboyfromsmallville. We’re talking, after all, about my best friend here.

The death penalty will actually be applied to those who aid her in those television specials.

NEXT TOPIC! Abortion

 

Ay, against tayo diyan. Kung pinayagan yan dati pa eh di wala sana akong Jinggoy. (Loosely: The only reason Jinggoy was born is because abortion is illegal)

Well, I used to be against it. But one look at Erap and I think we should give its legality serious consideration. Imagine, if it were not for our high regard for the value of human life, not only could we have avoided Jinggoy, we could have avoided Erap too.

Definitely for. Put it this way. If you were a female vagabond with no job and living off picking pockets in Quiapo and you were suddenly impregnated by your drug-runner boyfriend. What do you think your kid will grow up to be? A rocket scientist? Legalizing abortion gives you the chance to put to rest a budding bank robber. And it spares me the dirty job of having to kill him while in a high-speed chase of a kidnap-for-ransom gang he will eventually be a part of.

Well, I think it’s safe to go against it so I’d really, you know, be against something like that.

In the early history of this country, we fought for one thing: The chance to grow as one nation without foreign rule dictating itself upon us. An unborn child cannot fight for that chance on its own. It will need people to fight for its right, for that chance to grow up one day and contribute to society. Therefore, I am against it.

Naku. Ayaw ni GMA niyan. Against tayo dyan. (Loosely: The nut in Malacañang is against it, why should I, her puppet, do otherwise?)

Against. Unless you’re pregnant with the future “Rockstar: Hale” winner.

Okay. This next one should be interesting. Terrorism. How do we stop it?

All-out war ang sagot diyan. Full military might. (Loosely: I sounded smart and brave didn’t I?)

I can’t believe I’m saying this. But I agree with Erap. But remember, plunder is qualified as terrorizing public coffers.

Terrorism derails a country’s progress. Terrorists must die. Die terrorists!!! DIE!@#$%^ *ehem* We must purge this country of people trying to undermine its security. Terrorists are like termites. They must be killed. KILLED!

Well, it’s safe to say that terrorism is a problem. But is it the only problem? I don’t think so. So, you know, let’s see what we can do.

A war against terrorism will always fail unless we go to the heart of what gives terrorism a haven to operate in. We should try to bridge the gap between political ideologies and look for that middle ground where we can lay the foundation of a truce that may start out as fragile first but will grow to be more stable in the future.

Naku. Galit si GMA dyan sa terrorism. Kaya ako, galit din jan.  (Loosely: The nut in Malacañang hates it, why should I, her puppet, feel otherwise?)

Abusive cab drivers are terrorists. If I don’t win this election, I hope Ping does.

Okay. Here’s a topic close to my heart. Same-sex marriage. For or against?

Aba’y tanginamo ah. tinawag mo ba akong bakla, bakla? (Loosely: Who you callin’ a bitch, bitch?)

*Chuckles* I can’t believe there are millions who will actually vote for Erap. As far as I am concerned, I don’t want to assault the sensibilities of the Catholics and their Church. So I’ll give it my token resistance.

I hope you’re not insinuating that I’m gay. I’m not. But answering your question on its merits, minus any insinuations, I’m willing to give it my go-signal. But not because I’m gay. Berroya is the one who’s gay. Not me.

Well, on one hand, such a set-up has its advantages and disadvantages. Maybe a Senate hearing in aid of legislation can be made about this until we can conclusively say whether it’s good or bad for society.

The funny thing about that question is, I developed a theory once about how same-sex marriage can help this country. You see, same sex couples are often going to end up biologically childless, right? Therefore, as the number of same-sex couples grows, the percentage of population increase diminishes, therefore giving that part of our country’s problem a minor solution. Now, for them to have children, they will adopt. And since same-sex couples are usually successful financially, that’s one orphan less for the country to worry about. Now, sometimes bureaucracy will make such adoption a tedious process, so to take shortcuts, these couples will adopt from poor couples, which works out  well in two ways: One, that child is assured of a better future and two, it eliminates the possibility of poor parents using these children as beggars or street laborers. That can’t be bad, right?

Baka ayaw ni GMA niyan kaya ayoko rin..  (Loosely: The nut in Malacañang might not like it, why should I, her puppet, feel otherwise?)

Definitely, for. My campaign manager won’t have it any other way.

Okay. And now, for our finale, the most important question: The Metro Manila Film Fest. Continue or abolish it?

Aba. Dyan tayo galing eh, bakit naman natin i-aabolis yan? (Loosely: What do you think I’m supposed to do If I’m disqualified from running again?)

Erap came from there? Abolish. Definitely.

Depends. If abolishing it involves chasing down suspects and daylight shoot-outs, why not? But then, some movie outfit made a movie about my life so, you know, continue!

Well, I don’t really see any harm in continuing the Filmfest. So, in a way, I think I can pretty much say that I am for it. But if there will be harm, I might be against it.

The MMFF is a chance to even up our local film industry’s chances against big-budgeted foreign films. And it should continue being an avenue where we can hone our artistic skills. What it must not degenerate into is a cesspool of idiotic films that take advantage of the season to simply make money. The MMFF must be a vehicle for artistry. I am for continuing it, but in doing so, implementing drastic changes that will improve the local film scene.

Ipapasa-GMA na muna natin yan. (Loosely: The nut in Malaca… what the heck, you know the drill)

The fucking what?

Finally, to all our guests: Any last words or campaign slogans you would like to share with our viewers?

Basta sa akin, walang kapatid-kapatid, walang kaibi-kaibigan, walang kama-kamag-anak! (Loosely: You’ve heard the crap before, don’t tell me you’re going to let yourself be fooled the second time around)

We can begin by telling ourselves the truth: Anybody but Erap!

Well, you know, my slogan has always been Mr. Palengke and it always will be. So, let’s see.

Last word? Me? No. But if I catch any bank robbers or snatchers or criminal elements, they better be ready with their last words.

This country needs a presidency that can inspire change among Filipinos. A presidency that looks to what we can still do and instead of being weighed down by what we currently are. We need a presidency that can teach the ordinary Filipino to smile again. Especially in front of cameras. So say Chiz.  

Puwede bang commercial break muna? Tatanong ko lang ke GMA kung anu gusto niya ipasabi? (Loosely: I thought this interview would have me speak five times only. Sorry.)

This country has reached its winter of discontent. And I am the summer months, just a calendar page away.

WTF!? You want to win the presidency on that?!

Sure. Why not? That and the fact that I’m for the death penalty if ever you give us Kris Aquino specials again. Plus, hey, I wrote Chiz’s script so give me a break.

Oh well. That’s it for tonight’s special edition of The Buzz. I hope we helped you make your intelligent choices. Remember. The future of your country lies on your vote. So vote wisely.

*voice over: This show was brought to you in part–the choice parts, that is–by the cois2010 movement*

*credits, fade*

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Responses

  1. hahaha nice post.

    idol ko talaga si Ping!

  2. IDOOOOOOL. Say Chiz for the win! Haha. Pero shempre Cois 2010 pa rin tayo. Apir!

  3. hahaha kuhang kuha yung kay mar roxas

  4. ayoko kay ping, warfreak. strategy: forge an alliance with chiz then demote him to VP! he’s a major threat. hehehe

  5. Haz: Go Ping! He and Chiz are my bets. Next to myself, of course

    Rissa: Sabi nga ni Joey de Leon, say chiz and smile… :) (bet you don’t remember that)

    Panganay: Dapat ke mar roxas executive secretary eh.

    Cedele: But why? Maganda na yung war freak, ubos ang mga tarantado sa mundo. hehehehe. ayoko si chiz mag vp. hollow ang victory kung di ko sha tatalunin. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  6. pucha kuhang-kuha mo si chiz hahahahah at si MAR!!!! hahahhahahah go go go cois 2010 sa malacañang natin ituloy ang laban for same sex marriages ahoooo hahahahha :))

  7. Hahahaha! I enjoyed this. Me part 2 ba ang special na ito? ‘Yung ibang personalities naman? :)

  8. yung isang photo ni tito boy galing sa pep. baka ma copyright infringement ka ha? hehehe. anyway, you’re right na dapat andyan si chiz to add luster to your impending triumph. go! go! go!

  9. hahaha! galing! idol talaga!

  10. Horse Racing Tipster…

    The bigger the field, the more chance there is that your horse won\’t give its true running….


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