Posted by: theboyfromsmallville | May 27, 2008

Extra! Extra! Important scientific discovery! Read all about it!

(Warning: Amateur images posted)

Believe it or not, I’ve just found additional proof for the Big Bang Theory and the Continental Drift Theory and predicted the end of the universe in one fell swoop.

And as is tradition in serendipitous scientific discoveries, I came to all three conclusions while trying to figure out a comment on friendship after reading a not-so-old friend’s blog entry.

I haven’t quite figured out a title for this discovery but if this somehow worms its way to school textbooks in, say, 3010, do at least name it after me.

Because the biblical version of the story of creation is, literally, the ultimate deus ex machina, I got around to thinking that if all it took was for some Divine Being to snap his fingers and then there was light, that kind of doesn’t explain the way the universe eventually unfolded right?

But friendships and relationships will tell us that the Big Bang Theory may be a more accurate telling of the story of creation.

Picture this. No, let me picture it for you. But let me warn you again, the drawings are crude.

In the beginning, there was darkness. And in that darkness was a mass of pure matter concentrate. Okay. So I’m going to also play literary god and say that this floating glob of pure matter simply came to be. At least that’s once. The bible did so for seven days.

This directionless orb, which we will refer to as X—in the tradition of unknowns in scientific dissertations—in the illustrations that will follow, remained inert. It spent eons floating in endless darkness unwary of its potential UNTIL a force acted on it and caused it to explode into one huge, life-filled cauldron of primordial soup from which the universe would crawl out of.

AHA! Yes. The force. You think I’m deus ex machina-ing the force? Nah-uh. I have proof that where there is X, there is F (force). Pick out any old high school or college test paper you have. Notice how the more X’s you have in the paper, the closer you are to F. And since this was the ultimate X, it naturally gravitated to the ultimate F.

Therefore:

Now, F wasn’t done with just zapping X with energy. It acted on X so that the combined pure matter and energy began shooting off X and began its hurtling journey outward its source, but by virtue of centrifugal force, stayed connected to X. Imagine soaking a piece of towel. Now hold the towel above your head and then spin it like a cowboy spins his lasso. Notice the droplets that squirt off the towel? That’s how the pure matter and energy spurted out of X.

And the life-carrying combination of matter hurtled forward, it evolved. And this evolution created life, the universe and friendships:

As eons passed, the strength of F stabilized X to the point that X no longer needed centrifugal force. Instead, X continued emptying itself by shooting life into different directions. We shall use lines to represent these life forms. A gazillion life forms shoot out of X every second but to make thing clear, let’s just illustrate eight:

Now here’s where we add proof to the Continental Drift Theory.

As the life forms shoot out, guess what happens? Let’s take a slice of X and pick two life forms, G and H. Both are lines, which means they are made up of an infinite number of points that represent everything that needs to be represented in the universe.

Now notice G1 and H1 compared to G2 and H2? See where I’m getting at? As the universe expands, the distance between two points grows. What starts out as a crack eventually ends up as a gulf:

Thus, what are we to derive from this?

Sadly, I therefore conclude that:

No matter what happens, as the universe expands, lives, continents, friendships, relationships always drift apart.

Example: Your primary universe is your family. But as your universe expands, as everyone starts morphing into successful individuals, what happens? The distance between G2 and H2 is exponentially greater than the distance between G1 and H1.

College batches disperse; Continents drift. And that silence over dinner isn’t really silence. That’s the sound of laughter, taking an awfully long time to bridge the distance between sides of the table.

But no need to worry: Since X was acted on by F in a manner defined by Newton’s first law of motion, eventually it will come to pass that the third law will act itself out in this finite sequence: Every action in the universe has an equal and opposite reaction.

Therefore:

The opposite of F will soon impose itself on the expanding universe and pretty soon, infinity will not only be defined in quantifiable terms, it will also be reached (defined by the pink curves henceforth). When that happens, the opposite and equal reaction triggers what we shall term “the beginning of the end of the universe.”

Hence:

X suddenly turns into a vacuum, slowly sucking back what it had given off. Eventually, the opposite and equal reaction force steadies the inward swirl of the life forms until they shoot back into X in straight, steady routes:

And what happens after that?

What happens when we are old and bent and graying? We find our way home. Laughter suddenly finds its way across the dinner table.

A more concrete explanation: People first walked and then built cars and filled the streets with them. Then gasoline prices became too high and they went back to walking.

And the distance between G1 and H1 becomes smaller at G2, H2.

Plates push continents closer until they are welded to each other. Friends reach out until they hold hands.

Until, at the end of all things, they shall find themselves huddled, cuddled up in the infinite blackness of their closeness.

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Responses

  1. a running account of side-comments (naka-open ang Notepad habang nagbabasa):

    Notice how the more X’s you have in the paper, the closer you are to F.
    >> ooooh SAPUL hahaha sakto!

    try soaking a piece of towel. Now hold the towel above your head and then spin it like a cowboy spins his lasso
    >> (tries it. bad idea.)

    TANGINA ME SMILEY AT COCONUT TREE WHOOOO

    AT WHOOOO PROTRACTOR USAGE!!!!

    And that silence over dinner isn’t really silence. That’s the sound of laughter, taking an awfully long time to bridge the distance between sides of the table.
    >> oh man he makes me laugh then puts a knee into my midsection ouch.

    man you always have quite a look at the brighter side of things. congratulations :)

  2. “With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
    it is still a beautiful world.”

    I try to live the way the piece the above quote was extracted from describes how we should live. Not really to the letter. But, you know, winging it somehow.

    Besides, for some of us, the bright side is the only thing that keeps our sanity glued to our self. the bright side slows the growth of the distance between sanity and self as the Universe expands.

    Moreover, weren’t the drawings, like, way cool?

    (Ps. Feel free to use “old” when you want. On the bright side, at least it doesn’t mean “discarded”) :D

  3. the drawings were like the most awesome ever. and yes, “old” to mean “wise”, not “defunct” ;)

  4. the drawings were like the most awesome ever. and yes, “old” to mean “wise”, not “defunct” ;)

    (sorry tinkering around with my sister’s birthday blogsite. hihi. my bad.)

  5. now i know what you’re doing while waiting for me …

    imagine, may positive naman palang nagagawa ang super late na page one.

    but question, what do you think will be the possible opposite of f? where will it come from?

  6. bibaylicious… yup. creative ang waiting period.
    re, your question. once infinity is reached, it will trigger the opposite of f :D (talagang sinagot eh no)

  7. ni hindi ko kinayang basahin nang makita ko ang illustrations. :-)) whyyyyyyyyyyy.

  8. ang ganda diba? super distracting in its simplified glory? wehehehehehehe


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