Posted by: theboyfromsmallville | September 17, 2008

Guy walks into a bar… Part 5

(This post cross-posted here, where I keep my photos)

I suddenly realized I missed doing this series.

For some reason, I suddenly browsed through the archived entries of this series, and realized that a lot of things that I had written were sarcastic shoot-backs by my inner voice at some of the things that were happening then. These remarks, somehow failed to travel from my inner voice to my mouth.

I call it tact and diplomacy. My inner voice calls it an inadequacy of balls.

* * *

Manny Pacquiao is very much in the news today because of his looming match against boxing’s Golden Boy, Oscar De La Hoya, in what is the sport’s equivalent of a basketball match between the Boston Celtics and the UST Tigers.

Yes, because you’ll never know with these Tigers, who can summon enough heart to surprise the reigning NBA champions.

Pacquiao, of course, is very touchy about his previous fights against Juan Manuel Marquez, claiming he decisively beat the Mexican technician twice and once challenging a columnist who thought otherwise to a fist fight.

Critics call Pacquiao-De La Hoya a mismatch. I wonder what they’d call Pacquiao-certain columnist?

* * *

Few people know it but Pacquiao can be witty if he wants too.

In a press conference, when told that De La Hoya—his boyhood idol and whose opinion he trusts a lot—would adapt Marquez’s counter-punching style, the Pacman shot back with a smile: Why, did Marquez beat me?

Touché.

Smallville to Manny: Apparently, the Golden Boy is of the opinion that Marquez did beat you.

Now you have an answer to critics questioning why on earth you decided to agree to this mismatch. Because you challenge to a fistfight anybody who thinks Marquez beat you.

* * *

While there are critics, there are also supporters of the Dec. 6 megabout between the Pacman and the Golden Boy.

In fact, hereabouts, where Pacman is virtually a religion, people have enough faith in the Filipino ring icon that they are willing to wager in his favor on the fight.

They say that it may be the biggest mismatch since a willow of a shepherd boy felled a giant named Goliath, but remember, David ended up winning.

Okay, I’m convinced.

My prediction? A first-round victory by Pacquiao.

If he manages to find a way to sneak a slingshot up in the ring.

* * *

Speaking of religion, I attended a baptism recently, acting as one of the godfathers of a six-month old child. I sat through a mass service and I realized that things haven’t changed since the last time I attended church on my own.

There’s still a dress code in place. Revealing clothes are still banned inside churches. Which is really quite sexist since most of the type of banned clothing refers to those worn by women.

What do you expect from an institution that doesn’t have females officiating masses? The church is, indeed, the final bastion of male chauvinism.

* * *

I remember the last time I attended mass on my own, a very famous priest was also fuming at the way people looked and dressed in church.

The very famous priest actually finger-pointed a lady in one of the front rows who was wearing a spaghetti-strapped top and a guy who was sporting long hair.

“Cover up next time,” he told the girl.

Cover up? I thought then. No offense to the hardcore Catholics but the main statue of many a church is the Big Guy with a piece of clothing wrapped around his waist and pelvic area.

To the guy, whom the priest immediately assumed was a rocker, he cautioned that rock music was the devil’s creation and that his hairstyle, with its affinity to rock music, was therefore the devil’s hairstyle.

That left me bewildered: What pictures of Jesus Christ had he been looking at lately?

* * *

A college friend of mine once took me to task about my “cover up” comment. She said that “holy” statues should be spared by such callous statements.

A couple of months back, I spent Holy Week in the province and witnessed a grand procession of “holy” statues.

Here’s my thing about “holy” statues: They underline the hypocrisy of human beings.

Here we are kneeling before statues, laying flowers at their feet, wiping handkerchiefs on their dust-lined surfaces and ascribing so much holiness to them that we clog a street once a year to venerate the holiest of them.

And yet, these are mere lifeless representations of the real people.

And here we are, each one of us, lest we forget, created in the image and likeness of God himself.

Not only do we not venerate, or, at the very least, respect, each other, but we diss, curse, hurt, kill, steal from  and put down one another in ways that we would brand sacrilegious if performed on such “holy” statues.

Go figure.

* * *

Going back to mismatches, here’s something that started out as one but has suddenly morphed into an interesting see-saw battle: Barack Obama vs John McCain in the US presidential elections.

Obama used to have a sizeable lead in that political ring but McCain craftily took a sizeable chunk off the deficit by unleashing his new weapon: Sarah Palin.

* * *

Recently, though, Palin has transformed from being merely the Republican saving grace into the most googled image on the internet hereabouts. The most popular search terms? Sarah Palin  Nude.

People from google.ph revealed that pimpled, geeky American Pie-overloaded teenagers have been scouring the web for her pictures ever since local forums described her as a certified MILF (Mom I’d Love to F**k).

Word has it, however, that these geeks ended up with acute pain south of the border.

Apparently, one of them errantly typed the word “nuke” instead of “nude” and dredged up an article where Palin referred to the invasion of Iraq as “a task that is from God.”

They later realized that they got the acronym right, but the meaning wrong.

Oh, thaaat MILF.

* * *

Speaking of thaaat MILF, I’ve received word that there are people who haven’t given up on the idea of having an autonomous, sovereign, independent, self-ruled, (go ahead add to the redundancy), state down south.

I am totally against that. Being from Mindanao, there’s a chance any sovereign state there might include my beloved city thereby requiring me to have a passport and a working permit from immigration to continue my career here.

Besides, having one bad president is one thing. Having two within a time zone of each other? Terrible idea.

Moreover an MILF state will provide terrorists a haven within an earshot of a country that boasts strong ties with the United States.

On the other hand, Sarah Palin would love it there.

* * *

Reports reaching Smallville has it that one of the pitches made by the MILF to convince the government to grant them sovereignty is that the newly-formed state will be a haven for people who have given up on life.

Yup, the MILF has opened up suicide hotlines with operators taught to preach to callers that with the MILF, you can have a new and meaningful life.

I called the hotline once and told an operator I was alone, depressed, I had given up on life and I badly wanted a fresh start.

“No problem sir,” she chirped. “Now, which do you do better, drive a truck or fly a plane?”
* * *

Speaking of suicide bombers, it seems that the biggest selling point for their martyrdom is the promise of seven virgins in the afterlife.

So they strap bombs around their bodies or drive trucks and airplaned into buildings and all they get in return is overrated sex?

Don’t they know they can get a lot more for a whole lot less in Bangkok?

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